10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.