me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Girl, same.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean