It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
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15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….