That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
a public service announcement
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Hello Twits.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Sniffing the broccoli
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.