*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
You Might Also Like
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things