When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
North and South
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself