My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
best first i’ve ever seen
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.