SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.