I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
happy valentine’s day to me
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
the noise i just made
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.