A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You Might Also Like
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”