Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
12653.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The glockness monster
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys