When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
my one true gender
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT