I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years