I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?