God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?