THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]