Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
bias laundering edition
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”