If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.