[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
seems fine
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Come back with a warrant
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber