I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.