@Jake_Vig

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

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@murrman5

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

@Nickadoo

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@chuuew

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

@Psycholyst

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

@IamEveryDayPpl

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

@sfreeze6

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

@briangaar

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

@joeislamo

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@karanbirtinna

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.