*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.