All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b