Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell