I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
You Might Also Like
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.