Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Nice try Hitler
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.