[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
the red hot silly peppers
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5