Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
that lip filler tho
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you