that lip filler tho
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”