I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I identify as an antique shop.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!