i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
You Might Also Like
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
#ParentingFacts
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior