My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Seek kebab; not attention
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
mood
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Breaking news:
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”