Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
…żyje?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.