Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
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To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I hate my earbuds.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”