Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi