This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Favourite diary entry ever