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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”