*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer