If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
You Might Also Like
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Jokes on them. I took 10.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine