My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
