My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
fly smarter, not harder
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”