[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.