before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*