before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
![]()
You Might Also Like
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Haha! 😂
![]()
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.