before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?