before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Made something I’m not proud of
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”