{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Morning my dudes.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Love is in the air fryer.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.