You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.