Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
You Might Also Like
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Feel. He’s so soft.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass