#SaturdayBears
You Might Also Like
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright