Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal