Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey