I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now