A drum solo but on your face.
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind