My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.