When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“That’s what” – She
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
That’s classic.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Saturday
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.